Mirrors and Mirages

Grief leaves us stranded in a tunnel.

In fact, almost every kind of pain does.

It beats us up and leaves us for dead.

Having all experienced some form of hurt in our lives, I think we can all agree that pain powerfully skews our perspective. It completely alters our mindset, going so far as to tangibly impact our cognition. You read that right — when you’re in pain, you quite literally don’t think the same way.

Pain makes us feel lonely and isolated, even when we’re not; it convinces us that the darkness is viral and unending, terminal, even when, and especially when, the dawn is just about to break.

Don’t trust pain. It’s pathologically dishonest.

Never forget: Pain is a liar because satan is a liar.

So while you’re in the midst of your personal agony, whatever it may be, surrounded and bombarded by the enemy’s lies, stop. Close your eyes and take a breath.

You, my friend, are in the tunnel.

During our war with cancer, Kailen and I battled hardship of many kinds. She experienced physical pain the depths of which this page is too shallow to contain. Numerous surgeries, infections, drain placements, radiation burns, dislocated ribs, crippling lymphedema, countless infusions of expensive poisons, and above all else, the meteoric anguish of cancer-related bone pain.

But nothing came close to the emotional agony we experienced in February 2014.

The following is an excerpt from Kailen’s blog. In it, she describes the tunnel we’re all lost in, then proceeds to give us precise directions to the exit. Keep in mind, she wrote this while enduring unspeakable physical and emotional suffering, mere days after finding out she would have to voluntarily surrender her childbearing capacity:

“When you are going through something difficult, it’s easy to find yourself with tunnel vision. Seeing only what is directly in front of you is normal. It’s human nature. The problem, however, comes when satan seizes the opportunity and capitalizes on our lack of perspective. He tries to keep our heads down and turned away from God; he makes problems seem bigger than they are. And suddenly, you have no idea how you’ll ever move beyond the next step.

You know what I’m talking about? I know you’ve been there. We all have.

But it is at this moment, when you feel you are sinking in quicksand and even one more step is impossible, that “grand-scheming it” comes into play.

Let me show you:

It seems Bryan and I are in an impossible place. Cancer has come back and I’m only 23. Not good odds by medical standards.

I was about to get a job when all of this started happening again. Now I am having my ovaries removed and in human sight will never be able to have my own children. I can picture being the girl at all my friends’ baby showers and everyone wondering how I’m handling seeing someone else experience the joy I’ll never have. It feels like God has let us down and I will never be healed of anything. I am having emotions of anger, injustice, and wondering why. It feels like even if I could keep going I would only get smacked in the face again by some other health issue…

See what I mean by tunnel vision?

It’s so easy to slip farther and farther back into the tunnel and disappear from the light altogether because a lot of it is true. But one of the biggest things I learned growing up is, “DO NOT believe ANYTHING the devil says, EVEN WHEN IT’S TRUE.”

In the grand scheme, we are not even close to an impossible situation because nothing is impossible for God.

In the grand scheme, I am only 23 and have had cancer but the name of Jesus is bigger even than the name of cancer.

In the grand scheme, I haven’t been able to get a job yet but God’s timing IS perfect and I have the rest of my life to work.

In the grand scheme, Bryan and I will be parents to someone at some point and because that child will be who God has for us, our family will be blessed.

In the grand scheme, I was created and GIVEN a life only because GOD chose to create me. The only reason I am taking this next breath is because the God of the universe allows me to. The only reason I exist is to bring glory to God, my Father.

A broken heart is a land of mirrors and mirages. We believe one lie, then another, we get turned around, misdirected, and before long, we’re hopelessly disoriented. As Kailen put it, we have descended so deeply into the tunnel that we’ve disappeared from the light altogether.

It is in this moment, floundering aimlessly through a dark maze, that we must speak truth into the void. We must realize that the devil is lying, even when he’s telling the truth.

We must “grand-scheme” our situation.

Quit staring at the mirages; quit believing the lies. Stop floundering and realize the maze isn’t real, and neither is the tunnel.

Yes, the tunnel itself is a mirage.

You’ll never leave the tunnel. But the tunnel will leave you.

Focus your eyes on the light, your mind on the truth, and before you know it, you’ll be back in the open air. Suddenly, dawn will break. And in the fresh light of a new day, you may just find healing for your heart.